William Simons is an English freelance writer and voice over artist, who lives in Sweden and therfore has a unique take on life! From blogs, to comment, sailing and outdoor articles; William has delivered quality freelance writing, podcasts and voice overs all over the world.
Willam Simons the Supreme Leader of Simonsland explains about his new prison, that along with murders, paedophiles, people smugglers and BMW drivers; has a special wing for the most dangerous of citizens.
A cornerstone of the new world order of Simonsland would be a jail. Not any old jail but a large “Colditz” style castle, with whitewashed walls, perched inaccessible in some remote mountainous corner of the supreme leader’s state. Photographers would produce grainy, fuzzy shots with telephoto lenses of indistinct prisoners in jump suits. Journalists would use words like “infamous, feared, notorious and impenetrable”. There would be rumours of mistreatment, ex-cons would appear on cheap TV shows with hints on the conditions inside and The U.N. would raise eyebrows every time the jail got mentioned outside in the free world.
Obviously the jail would contain murders, paedophiles, people smugglers and BMW drivers. But there would be special wings for people who have never experienced sailing, everyone under 25 who weighs over 100 kilos, people who stay inside when the Simonsland weather service reports that it is over 25 ° C and motorcycle riders. Teenagers who don’t wear belts, fellow commuters that don’t give up seats to the elderly, shoppers who don’t hold doors open for the next person and litter bugs would be rounded up by the Simonsland police and left to ponder their fate and listen to pre-recorded fake screams and whipping noises, whilst they sit out open-ended sentences.
By far the biggest wing would be for a very special contingent of Swedes, who make my ears bleed, blood pressure rise and cause me to have torrents-style outbursts in public. Yes the most secure wing would be for that very select bunch of Swedes that reply in English to someone that doesn’t speak fluent Swedish. As an outsider who has made the conscious decision to make this beautiful land my home and to integrate myself into the community, the cornerstone of this decision was to learn Swedish by hook, crook, trial and error. However nothing makes me rush to get my passport out of the drawer quicker than me asking for a coffee in perfectly acceptable Swedish (all be it with a Tony Irvine / Stewart Baxter accent) and the assistant replying “yes would you like milk and sugar in that?” Can’t you see I’m trying? Do you want to make me feel two millimetres high? Did you think I was asking if you knew the secret of nuclear fission?
Now I am to language study that Elvis Presley was to healthy eating, but at least I try. It is so demoralising when I meet one of these language guardians, who think they are enriching my life by battering me with their superior knowledge. Oh to be able to just flop out the Simonsland mobile, direct line to the Simonsland SWAT team and have the person taken away for a good talking to – in Swedish of course!
Simonsland would be a stunning place to live, not just because of its Supreme Leader but with the threat of the Simonsland penal system. However there is one drawback here and that is the population of Simonsland would probably be 1.
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• Voice over credits »
• Writing credits »
The Content Authority
Whisky Life & Spirits
• oDesk feedback »
"Excellent to deal with. Very professional and keen to ensure that the end product was exactly what I neded. Very high standard of written english. Highly recommended."
"William provided me with some fabulous writing and research. He was great to work with and even though we worked from different time zones the project went exceptionally smoothly with excellent communication all around. I would highly recommend William to anyone needing writing work done."
Number 1 (beating 42 others) in the oDesk English - Swedish translation test.
• Skills / Areas of expertise »
Shooting (qualified instructor)